i wish i were in love again (19)

i wish i were in love again

the sleepless nights,
the daily fights
the quick toboggan when u reach the heights
i miss the kisses & i miss the bites...
joni mitchell

a plaintive trill
riding a rippling soular wind; not unlike
the eerily desolate call of a night bird;
an unobtrusive accompaniment
of twilight –
can this be
yet another woman in distress?
a substance abuser?
an incest survivor or rape victim?
one perhaps given at once
to bouts of excessive excitement &
prolonged sadness & dejection –
makes my
heart’s ears twitch, stand erect &
translate this intimation of
baneful dependency into the
sweet seductive melodies of love
what is it
about the impairment of
a woman’s normal cognitive,
emotional or behavioral functioning?
that causes me to be smitten (if she
looks good)? makes her all desirable
& all enveloping?
makes my
nostrils flare triggering yet again
that banal fugue of rescue & predation...
the counterpoint of several voices,
tonic/dominant/subdominant
innerspeak;
head tones fusing with libidinal
soundings measuring the depths of
my perversity; taking me through the
steps of an intricate mating dance;
a choreographic form that consists of
brilliant enabling interactions:
makes me
compulsively explain, problem-solve, fix –
lose the ability to locate my self in her
otherness – insist that she talk when she just
wants to be left alone (with her demons).
insist that
she makes me understand what is going
on with her. annoy her with therapeutic
doublespeak; provoke her to talk,
to argue to confront to experience her feelings
& have the gratuitous sex that reassures only me or
make her feel guilty & degraded when she refuses.
makes her
even more crazy; makes her bolt out into
the night like a frightened deer to get away from me
& my judgments, my minimizing, mesmerizing neediness;
my toxic protestations of love



© Joseph McNair;2009